Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
