i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
