if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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