His hands were made for my vagina.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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