When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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