i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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