somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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