hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
