i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
