wakey wakey hands off snakey
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
