Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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