I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
