I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
