Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i've created a new STD.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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