The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
