the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I met the friendliest cop last night
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
