I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
