I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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