the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
