someone threw a dead crab at me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
