I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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