my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
