I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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