Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
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Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
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I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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