Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
