you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
