wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
