how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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