I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
