$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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