quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
