you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
