WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
