in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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