I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
