Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
