Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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