This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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