I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
