i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
