Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
