we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
