After last night, I could never be a politician.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
