In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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