Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
