..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
