Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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