Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
