Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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