sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize