i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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