How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
