i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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