Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
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you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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