Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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