You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
