yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
