i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
