Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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