I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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